Why you are you

Happy Sunday you lovely lot. Hope you’ve had a fabulous week. As promised last Sunday, I’m going to talk to you about how and why things that have happened in your life, big or small, can cause you anxiety, hold you back or make you act a certain way. If you did last week’s task I set – your lifeline – well done you! Gold star.

what are core beliefs?

When I met with a therapist last year, the first thing she did was talk to me about my lifeline and how it shapes my core beliefs. Your core beliefs are the assumptions you have and the rules you live by about yourself, the world and others. For example, you (and I) could believe:

  • I’m never good enough
  • I don’t deserve this
  • If I love someone, they’ll leave me
  • If I show my emotions they’ll think I’m weak
  • I don’t fit in
  • I have to be perfect

The list goes on and is different for everyone. These limiting beliefs are mistaken for fact, so you truly believe them deep down and they impact on your every day life. Causing anxiety, creating negative thinking (that inner critic that puts you down or stops you moving forward). So where did they come from? Well I’ve made this snazzy diagram to show you…

So, those genes that have been handed down and your upbringing/early life have a huge part to play in why and how you are you. Not to mention any situations or events that have happened over the years that might have seemed insignificant. For instance, you might have had an over-protective parent who thought they were doing the right thing ‘keeping you out of danger’. And now you are too scared to take any risks or put yourself out there, which results in anxiety when faced with these situations.

You can read some more about core beliefs from those in the know on Psychology Today (they know waaaay more about this than I do!).

what’s impacted me?

For me, one of the biggest ‘events’ in my life, was my parent’s break-up when I was 16. It affected me more than I realised. On the day it happened I didn’t cry at all, I don’t think I cried about it for a long time. I thought if I cried it made it real and I had to be strong for my sister. Looking back it was definitely the right thing for my parents to do. And I’m so lucky that they’ve stayed friends and still care deeply for one another. I know they never intended to cause any harm or would have been aware of the impact it had on me and my sister.

It did affect my relationships. I found it hard to trust or to truly open up to someone. I was needy and insecure. I thought that they would leave me too. As I understood more about why I acted or felt this way, I was able to change my core belief. In turn, this has changed my inner thoughts and my actions.

It is really hard to drag up the past and try and pinpoint events that have impacted you. There were definitely a lot of tears as I sat with my therapist. It has made me much more aware and understanding about how and why others behave or feel. Your parents are the way they are because of their upbringing and early life, your boss, your best friend, your partner… Being more aware of this is super helpful for your relationships. It makes life that bit easier! I’m waaaay more tolerant now! Although my boyfriend would probably not agree..!

weekly task – your core beliefs

So, to this week’s task for your beautiful minds. Grab a pen and paper, or use notes in your phone (I live by my notes!) and write down your core beliefs. Then, look at each belief and think about where this could have stemmed from. Was it how your parent behaved? Was it something a teacher said? Knowing where these limiting beliefs have stemmed from will make you more aware of how you think and act. You are in control of your beliefs and you can change them into something more positive. Isn’t that an exciting thought?!

Have a fabulous week loves.

Kirsty x

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